Below is what I have been experiencing over the last few months. It is long, it is a story, and it may help you find words that perhaps you have been also feeling. At this time in our life, we are opening up to a spiritual journey that is taking our physical form along for the rip roaring ride; it has been difficult many times.
How have you been doing these past few months?
When I was in a book store last November and passed the table with date books for this year, I set my hand on top the pile and felt ‘2020 is a magical, mystical year of profound change’.
Hearing the words magical and mystical I would think of light, airy, exciting, and special. This year has uprooted us, cleared us from the inside out, and purged the darkest of physical, mental and emotional beliefs we held so dearly close to our hearts.
Many people have traveled to the deepest core of their being to be met by fear, pain, and loss. The concept of control has been met with great resistance and just when you think you have a handle on it, it morphs into another arena of your life and there you go again to challenge its hold on you.
What is in our control? Why is the world upside down? Are you still buying calendars to etch out your days?
Over the decades we have grown to know what our body is about, find ways to take care of it and put into place the steps to get help when it breaks. Along comes a virus seemingly in the mist of the night, having no clear target in mind, and following no present template to ameliorate the wake of its damage.
Now what? Fear has been the daily driver to get our attention, have you noticed it? But does fear need to be the set up every day as we go forward through the summer?
The Spring Season was a time to stop and listen to the swirl of change around us. It held us in limbo for weeks on end. We were kept in our homes and challenged to create a different daily existence with our loved ones.
What did we start to notice? What did we clear out of our lives? Are we now eyes wide open for more change or eyes narrowly focused to get ‘back to normal’?
For the patients that were in the depths of the virus; I wonder where their soul went at times of difficult breathing, medical sedation, or flat lining.
The past several months, I have been experiencing medical crisis moments myself. I took time to stop what I was doing, shut everything down, and rest. In silence, I could hear and feel life more clearly. The question ‘do you wish to live or exit’ appeared many times.
This is what I experienced:
‘I am gasping for breath, God, is this the time, is it time to go?’
But, but, … ? I stopped and listened.
I stopped and cleared my thoughts. I silenced my mind. I calmed my breathing and let it flow slowly. I let go of control.
My heart started to hurt with pains and skipping of beats, it reminded me that it too was gasping; gasping for the moment it would stop. I can’t catch it, I can’t fix it, and it is paralyzing me to stop in my tracks. All I can do is cry, let the emotions out and surrender.
Why is this happening, fix it, do something, I am scared, God are you there? I can’t hear you. I can’t see you.
My body was tight, hurting, feeling cold; pains seemed to lock up my legs and arms, what is happening?
I know this feeling, I have been here before. Past illnesses, surgeries, spiritual crisis, life emergencies, and emotional wars; I have been here before. I wear the scars on every part of my essence. I carry them around as they are my identity. This load is getting heavy God, when will it end?
It is the door, the door that takes me from this lifetime to another. It takes me out of body to another dimension. It reminds me I am not coming back into this life. Now what? Pay attention!
What do you see, what do you hear, what do you sense? Feel for the moment and just let it play out. The labels will not matter, the story does not need to be written, and the reasons are not firm; just be!
Days pass, thoughts rumble through my mind, physical symptoms rear their head to see if I am paying attention and finally there is no time or reason to do anything.
Dreams at night take me to another place and time; a space where nothing matches and everything seems odd or elusive. Who am I, where am I going, what is the message?
Nothing guided me to hear the answers to my pleas and no one came to comfort me. Am I listening? Am I sensing? What or who am I seeking?
Do I want to be here? This load is too much to carry. I am so done with this existence. I have been feeling like roadkill way too long. No matter what I do, no matter what I say, no matter what I believe; I am still in this space, what now?
I wake in the morning and put my feet to the floor, ‘why am I here again’? Why did I land back here? When will I ever be done with this lifetime?
- Today, I hear the birds at 5am to start their day, they are very loud
- Today, I feel the sun, it is way too hot
- Today, I ate food that was not good, it let me know and exited
- Today, the world seems so loud, even the wind was howling
- Today, the silence was profound; no birds, no breeze, no people, just silence
- Today, I sat for hours just to connect with God, I could not hear him
- Today, I sat for hours and felt energy swirling all around me and inside me
- Today, I felt my legs tingling in my toes
- Today, I felt bubbling inside my veins in my legs
- Today, my back hurt and was calling me out
- Today, I sensed smells that were not present
- Today, I heard noises that came from another place and time
- Today, I heard a song that brought back a memory
- Today, I wished on a dream
- Today, I wanted to feel something
- Today, I wanted to talk to someone
- Today, I wanted to help someone
- Today, I wanted to smile
- Today, I wanted a hug
- Today, I wanted to live, here in the present
- Today, I wanted to feel something new
- Today, I wanted to create
There were nights when I could not breathe, massive chest pains, and felt like my physical body was just quitting. I could smell death; I could feel it and see it in my dreams. I have been here many times before.
This is my experience as a Shaman, Medium, and Healer. Over the decades of this lifetime, I have explored the human and spiritual journey from many dimensions. Out of body and in physical human form have taken me back through past lives and present existences to tie it all together as a soul essence; I can tell you it has been quite challenging for me as I had no coach, guide or person telling me about this experience. My guides are all spirits, my knowing came from doing and being in the moment, and my moment in time is ever changing.
This experience as a human has been riveting, dangerous, painful, heartbreaking and spiritually challenging. It has taken me to my knees, had me gasping for the breath of life, yelling out my sorrows, crying through the pain and excavating the old eons of stories and secrets held within. My body is not perfect and my quest is not to fix it at all costs.
I am proud of this lifetime.
No matter what got slung at me, I kept foraging through. No matter what holes I fell into, I made peace with the darkness and dirt. No matter how far I tried to fly, I found a way to soar in my dreams. For all the times, I was ripped open; I let it bleed until it was empty. The times my spirit tried to exit, I went with it to see how I could be so much more than just this physical form. The times my soul said ‘what are you doing’, I said ‘I have no clue, but let’s see’. When my heart was broken into pieces, I crafted it a new form. When things seemed so dark, I found my box of glitter.
I tell you this story because over the last several months, I have felt and experienced everything here. You see, as the shaman and energy form we all are, we are feeling and sensing the energies of those around us, those who have come before us, and the other times we have been here too.
The time to pay attention is now.
To open our hearts, silence our minds and feel the energy of the world through the human form we are carrying is the spiritual journey. To sense it all, is the knowing we are all part of the cosmos tapestry, weaving our energy together to create this moment in time.
Can we blind ourselves to the human senses and labels we have created? Can we sit in the void and let the energy flow within us? These are the first two steps to navigate the rest of 2020. We will be called over and over to attune to them. Are you ready for the calling; it is called Ascension, Awakening, Spiritual Fulfillment and Soul Essence.
This lifetime for me has felt like I journeyed at warp speed to see what it was all about. As I have shared on my radio show over the last ten years; ‘I am in the 23rd dimension and I am holding the door open for you, just follow the glitter of light, and remember to dance with the energy no matter where it takes you’.
As we continue along this life path, there will be days you are shaking your head, falling to the ground, dancing in the streets or crying out loud. One thing to remember: it is what the energy is right now. It may be what you are feeling and it may all be true for you in this moment. It may be what you are feeling and it may not be true for you and perhaps you are becoming more spiritually open to sense the collective energies. It may be something you have never felt before and it is the time of awakening for you personally and it will change you in ways you never imagined.
Can we be with whatever is showing up and work through this?
Our soul essence is committed to the plan. Our human has no clue of the plan. But together, the union is the form we are now in at this day and time.
Be well, be present and remember to breathe.